So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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