If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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