I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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