I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
