I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
