Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
