I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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