Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
