Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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