So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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