so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I think people are normalizing furries
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
