I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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