Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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