John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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