East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
