I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
