also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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