when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
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In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
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Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
do nipples grow back?
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