but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
