I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
