she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
