He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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