i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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