I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
