I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
