I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
