My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
