News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
