she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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