textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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