You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
