Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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