In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
