Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
