The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
