someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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