Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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