Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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