Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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