The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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