The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
