My liver just broke up with me...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
