I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
