so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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