when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
