I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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