Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
We got so high we made milksteak
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
