It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
