I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
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