even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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