You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
