____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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