whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
