Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
